Even Father’s Day Happens While on Vacation

I don’t know why I’d think it wouldn’t. I guess being out of my element (well, actually very *in* my element) made me think today would feel different in Maui. Maybe less sad.

My lone morning swim at Kahana Beach was tear-filled and poignant as I watched fathers and their kids playing in the waves and sand. I let my tears join the salty Pacific healing solution. I tried to calm my grief by saying to myself, It’s been almost five years, Courtney, aren’t you done with this yet? Then another voice inside me arrived quickly to rescue my uncompassionate question: It’s never done, Courtney. You will always miss him. Then I dove down into the clear water to retrieve a piece of white coral that looked a little mangled, tousled, and chipped. But it was so beautifully imperfect.

I tossed the piece of coral to my towel up on the beach and kept swimming, adding more saline to the ocean. I swam hard for a while, using my the strong muscles I inherited from my dad. And then I wrote the word dad in the sand and watched the waves wash the name away, feeling the impermanence of life.

But I also felt the power of everythingness, of oneness. In 2009 my mom and I spread my dad’s ashes here in the Pacific off of Maui. When I saw “dad” become part of the ocean, I realized that he was already there. And more than that, that he was already inside me, a light there, a warmth, an embrace of okayness — my invincible summer, always my invincible summer.

Written in Stone

Today my mother and I headed up north to Makawao to visit the Sacred Garden of Maliko.  After we walked the labyrinths, we toured the botanical garden and I was most interested in stones and Buddhas. (Don’t worry, a blog post with my Buddha statue photos is forthcoming!)

There were so many beautiful stones with inspiring messages like these (and BTW, I LOVE collecting these types of stones):

Then this stone in particular caught my eye:

I love the way this stone does what it says isn’t so. I resonate with the dissonant humor of this stone and the way it kind of topples me over.

It made me think of another possible engraved stone saying:

“Anything can be written in stone. If you don’t like what’s written anymore, write something new and toss the old stone in the ocean.”

Think of how the ocean would be filled stones with messages with what doesn’t fit anymore; what no longer serves; and what once was, but need not be now.

If you were to write a message or saying or word on a stone that represented something that you wish to release, what would it be?

Mine might look like this:

What could you write in stone and then release into the ocean (or lake or river) so you don’t feel the heaviness of carrying these stones anymore?  Imagine your “worry rock” skipping across the lake before finding its new home in the land of algae and sand. I think instead of imagining this process, we should each try it. Join me in tossing some stones?

 

 

Yin and Yang

“If we never experience the chill of a dark winter, it is very unlikely that we will ever cherish the warmth of a bright summer’s day. Nothing stimulates our appetite for the simple joys of life more than the starvation caused by sadness or desperation. In order to complete our amazing life journey successfully, it is vital that we turn each and every dark tear into a pearl of wisdom, and find the blessing in every curse.”

~ Anthon St. Maarten, Divine Living: The Essential Guide to Your True Destiny

Today’s morning Maui swim included an encounter with the concepts of yin and yang — in coral. The surf was a little rough today, but I kind of like being jostled about, churned up. As I was surrendering to the ocean’s push and pull, I found myself sliding into a landscape of tumbled coral and volcanic rock. I was drawn to the lightest of light pieces and the darkest of dark pieces. I held these ocean remnants in my palm and was struck by their duality — but also of how essential they are as complementary forces.

In my life, I feel I am mostly yin, with accents yang. Mostly, I live in a place of the divine feminine, of introversion, introspection, moonlight coolness, and of forays into the shadow side. Those dark pieces of volcanic rock appeal to my need for shade, for self-protection, for ease, and for silence. But that white coral appeals to the side of be that wants lightness (freedom from anxiety), brightness (the sunshine of Maui!), and clarity (a clear vision about my life’s work). The yang side wants action (get ‘er done!) and visibility (hey, look at me!) and enthusiasm (the glass half-full perspective).

As you think about yourself and your life, what aspects of you are clearly YIN and what are YANG? You have both aspects inside you as they are interconnected. What parts of your life or your personality like to gleam in the sunshine and what other parts of yourself or life prefer the comfort of the shade?

What lightness inside you knows it is light because you have felt darkness?  What feels cool now because you once felt the heat?  What delight do you know because you have felt loss or sadness?

We cannot know yin without yang and yang without yin.  What are your coral and stone like within?

peace and balance,

Grace and the Ocean

I can’t quite believe I am here again.  I was in Maui in early February for my Mauimoon and now I am here with my mother on a pilgrimage to honor my grandmother Grace (who passed away in 2006) and to spread some of her ashes in these tropical Pacific waters.

My mother, grandmother, and I were a generational threesome who traveled to Maui all through my growing up and adult years. For years we coveted our “girl trips” where we spent most of our time in communion with the ocean in some form or another.

I am humbled and grateful to be here and I feel Grace-full.

We arrived just yesterday evening, so I am still getting my island legs. Expect more Maui posts over the next week as I share Grace (and grace) with you as well as my journey into sabbatical land.

For now, I leave you with this video I took this evening of the ocean at sunset here on the west side of Maui.

Mahalo,

Today’s Post is Brought to You by…

… the letter A!

And more specifically, the little “a” — or the little artist that resides in all of us. We are all artists and that’s what my latest video is all about. Enjoy!

Words Trapped in My Skin

“Symptoms are words trapped in the body.”
~Jacques Lacan, French psychoanalyst & psychiatrist

Skin Love, mixed media art journal entry by Courtney Putnam.

This evening I am marinating in some news I just received from my dermatologist: I have a severe atypical mole and I need to have surgery (like my melanoma surgery in 2011) to remove a significant disk of my flesh from my right lateral thigh.

After I received the news I was marinating in tears mostly, and feelings of shock, anger, and sadness soaked through me. This time around, the word melanoma wasn’t used to describe what I have (thankful for that!), but rather to point out the ranking of atypical moles from best to worst: perfect, mild, moderate, severe, and melanoma. Of course, my thought was, this severe atypia is a close neighbor to melanoma, perhaps even an underdeveloped melanoma, or a melanoma-in-waiting. But we don’t know. That’s why surgery is next.

Here we go again, dear skin. I want to love you, even so. I want to thank you for containing my body, even though you seem to have developed allergies, rosacea, and skin cancer. Even so, skin, even so, you are whole. We are whole. I am trying to feel this.

I stumbled upon that Lacan quotation above this evening and wondered what words might be trapped in my skin. What voice does my skin have? What does she have to tell me?  Why is she giving me these irritating and malignant blooms? And here is what she said:

Courtney,

You are sensitive. Well, WE are sensitive. We are one and the same in so many ways, you and I. We take in the world deeply and it hurts sometimes, doesn’t it?  And sometimes it feels like radiance? We are porous. We have always been this way. I am doing my best to protect you and yet sometimes I fail. I am sorry about this. Sometimes inflammation and irregular growths burst through. This is not your fault. I know you think it is. Please burn that thought and allow something beautiful to grow in the ashes. You are not your allergies, your rosacea, your atypical moles, your cancer. You are light. I want you to know that I have nothing against you. I want you to shine. Please be gentle on yourself, just as you are to me when you apply organic and healthy lotions and potions to me.  Be proud of how soft we are, how truly empathetic and full of love. Live in that love and when you must protect yourself, do so without armor, but instead with light. Let your light out. Let me shine, too. Show everyone how luminous we are. Please don’t trap us in the dark.

Lovingly,

You Skin

We all have parts of our bodies that reveal symptoms that may be hard for us, even painful. If these parts of your body could talk, what would they say? What words are waiting to emerge? You might be surprised (and even moved) by what your body has to say. I’d love to read what YOUR body has to tell you.

If you feel so inclined, please submit to me your letter at cputnam@rising-bird.com with the subject line: BODY LETTER and I will publish all our letters together here on The Healing Nest. Deadline: Sunday, June 2, 1:00pm PDT.

Summertime Sabbatical

I’ve taken a leap.

I’ve said YES to myself.

I’m taking a break from giving bodywork sessions this summer.

It’s been seven years and I’ve given over 1600 sessions.

It’s time to rejuvenate, recharge, realign, relax, recalibrate, and revive!

Here is the letter I sent out to my list which was oh-so hard to do, as I LOVE my clients and peeps:
http://us1.campaign-archive2.com/?u=361210a76fc02c5e4e1bdff31&id=a38142b94a

Is it kinda scary? Yes!

Am I a little uncertain? Yes!

Am I going to do this anyway? Yes!

My last day giving bodywork sessions is June 9. On June 11 I embark on a pilgrimage to Hawaii with my mother to spread my grandmother’s ashes in the tropical Pacific (a long overdue rite of passage for us).

During my entire sabbatical time I will be documenting my process here on The Healing Nest.

Will you join me on this sabbatical in spirit? This is an experiment and I’d love for you to be part of it.  And maybe you can find a way to take a sabbatical from something in your life for even a little bit. Hmmm…what might that be for you?

yours,